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Our Broken Souls

November 2006 !! My eyes are so filled with sorrow they feel like they are melting. My heart is racing, I feel as if I am anticipating certain dread; as if our lives are resting on a thin edge, constantly under the threat of tipping over ... falling ... down ... down ... spiraling out of control ...

We don't even understand fully what has happened to us - perhaps we don't want to fully understand it. We have changed ... we are not the same people we used to be. We are not the same family we used to be - we did not choose this - we feel as if we are in the midst of a strong current that is pushing us along - we are no longer in the peaceful, calm, familiar stream we once knew and felt in control of. We are now in the wild white water rapid in unfamiliar territory. No longer do we feel in control. All we can do is hold on to each other and hang on to our lifeline ... our lifeline, sometimes we don't even have the energy or strength to hang on to that - but somehow it seems to hang on to us. Thank you Lord for hanging on to us firmly and always in such a calm and controlling way. No sense of panic or anxiety from your end - just peace, calm and firm ... always hanging on to us. Thank you Lord.

I am tireDavid Graduating Senior Kindergarten, 2004d, tears flooding inwards, aging me outwards - wanting to close my eyes and having no desire. Sorrow hangs on me like a heavy cloak sinking me down. I walk slowly with no desires - I am weighed down ... my heart is broken - all of me is broken. I am being emptied day by day. I find it hard to breath at times - my heart is so heavy. My character seems to be stripped away from me from day to day. I am becoming simple - life has slowed down around me. I am feeling something - it is that steadfastness of mind that does not care about what people think of me anymore - why do I need to care what other think of me anymore? What do I have left anyways? I feel like I am slowly becoming simple. I can't seem to properly communicate myself. My vocabulary has become smaller, my memory not as wide, my desires not as strong - I just want to sit and do simple things - sometimes I just want to sit and just "be". I feel like I am slowly dropping out of the race. I don't mind letting others go ahead of me. I feel I need to just walk a while - perhaps I will finish the race, but for now, I just feel like I need to just walk right now - others can go on ahead - I'm not in the mood to compete anymore - I have no desire anymore.

There are times when I can almost feel like my son lying here on the couch. I feel I understand more of him as I realize that he was merely being part of me lying there ... my flesh anHenry, David, William and Linda, 2004d blood, part of my personality, once hidden from my perspective, now slowly being realized as I feel him inside me - me once living in him - now him living in me realized ... tears soak my pillow ... he went through so much pain, but somehow he got through each day ... maybe there is hope for me too then ...

I really do notDavid at Sick Children's Hospital like how distracted I get. I will literally turn around and forget what I was doing or what someone had asked me to do. People will leave messages on the phone and I will listen to them, be glad to have heard from them, write their names down on the memo paper and then walk away and forget they called. Then later on I feel guilty that I never called them back ... I feel so irresponsible ! but I don't have any energy to do anything else ! how long will people be patient with me? How long will it take for people not to trust in me anymore?




 

Linda Wielinga

Editor's Note: Linda graciously shares her caregiver's heart in this entry from her personal journal recording the journey she, husband Henry and son William began with her youngest son David's diagnosis of cancer in 2003. It poignantly reflects the initial stages of grief following the loss of a child. David died at the age of 7 in the spring of 2006. Room 217 was honoured to provide comfort during the Wielinga's journey. Linda says that the Room 217 CDs, given to her by a friend, ministered to their souls. She writes, "The music from Bev's CDs filled our home and filled our hearts with such beauty and grace that it was a therapy of healing in itself - healing our broken souls." "The music and the words created surrounded us with such a beautiful atmosphere in our home. Instead of dread, grief and sorrow, our home was filled with beauty, hope and healing."